Milestones

Ty has reached some very important milestones. First. He graduated from the straight jacket, I mean, swaddle blanket. Yes, I retired it before his 6-month mark which is in a few weeks. I'm not sure if this is the longest I've swaddled a baby yet or not but I sure got a lot of crap for it from guilty bystanders. Let the record show I did not give into peer pressure by removing the swaddle blanket like a lost sheep blindly following would-be persuasive leaders. I removed it when I felt he was good and ready. He is sleeping about 12 hours a night (yay!), always on his stomach with his little bum in the air. I love his little bum in the air. It makes me smile every time I see it.

We also tried some solids yesterday with a some success. I've tried some rice cereal a few times before, in hopes he 'd keep it down better than milk, but he hated it. Yesterday, I mixed some banana with oatmeal and he decided baby cereal isn't so bad.

He's also becoming a pro at sitting up and he absolutely LOVES to grab anything and everything around him and then ravenously shove it into his mouth as if he hasn't eaten in days.

Now on to what I consider to be the most exciting. To be completely frank, these last 5 1/2 months have been rough. Tough. Brutal. Oh wait, maybe I already mentioned that in a previous post. Are you sick of hearing about it yet? While he hasn't been the hardest baby on the planet, he has been extremely hard for me, especially for kid #3. Since he was born, if he was awake and not eating, he was unhappy. And then as he got older, he decided to only take a nap every 3-4 days. Literally, he'd go 4 days sometimes without shutting his eyes all day. Unless he was being walked around, there was a whole lot of crying going on. He was also spitting up buckets and buckets, blowing out of diapers at least 2 times a day, had constant diaper rash, and hasn't been gaining much weight. Oh, and did I mention he WILL NOT take a pacifier? Hours of holding one in his mouth and 5 different types of pacifiers later, has confirmed that he is officially not a binky baby. We tried several medicines which reduced his spit-up a bit, but didn't help his fussiness. As a last resort, I decided to temporarily stop nursing to see if my milk was poisoning him. Well, after about 5 days, I am happy to report that he is doing a lot better. He has taken a nap everyday since I switched, he is spitting up less, he is less fussy, he rarely blows out of his diapers and his diaper rash is much better. I'm not ready to say Hallelujah quite yet, but I am so happy to see some improvement! But...What the heck? Isn't it ironic that the milk, or "liquid gold" as I've heard it referred to, that is supposed to be the best for him, was actually causing all of this crap? So frustrating. Anyway, we're hoping for some smoother months in the future and to start more fully enjoying our sweet little guy!

Dance

After 3 or 4 months of asking for dance classes I finally got my act together and Kara got her wish. Since she tends to be timid in new situations, I wasn't sure how she'd do. I stuck around for a few minutes the left and by the time I returned, she was participating and having a good time. And when asked how it was, she excitedly replied, "Dance class was so fun! I can't wait to tell daddy about my dance class!" And on the way home she asked if she could go to dance class tomorrow.

Melt-down follow-up

Wow- thanks everyone for your comments on my most recent lament! After reading the post about abazillion times, I decided some things should be added.

First. I am not in the corner sucking my thumb all day as my post possibly made it appear. Simply put, I am functioning, just not in a good, positive attitude kind of way right now.

Second. The way I am feeling about my motherly duties right now in no way reflects how I feel about my children. I think, well I hope, that this is obvious, but I needed to clear the air (in case the little ones ever read this some day). Though I may be struggling, I still know that I am doing the right thing and that I don't regret the choices I've made to start and raise a family. Will I possibly take a different approach? Maybe. Will I continue to stay at home all day? Maybe not. Will I continue to keep having lots of children? Don't hold your breath. And even during this little "phase," and especially after I posted the rant, there have been plenty of moments in which I have been quietly reminded of why I am a mom (mostly when the kids are sleeping of course...). I can't say those moments have made the not-so-fun ones much better yet, but I'm working on it!

Third. I've really been contemplating why it is I posted such a thing. Was I fishing for compliments? Do I need some attention? Did I think I was the only one who's ever felt this way? I think I can answer no to all those questions. Honestly, I think the reason I vented for others to read was because I sorta wish everyone was a little more open about their struggles. I've always been a pretty open book which can be good or bad. I'm the first to tell you that I've broken several things in my house out of anger, or that I've been to counseling (and it was awesome!), or that I'm desperately trying to get my 5-month-old to sit in front of the TV and be entertained by Baby Einstein videos, or that I'll readily cry at the grocery store if they are out of something I need. I know, I'm a freak show. And though it makes me sad to hear that others struggle as well, there is some comfort in knowing there are lots of others who have gone or are going through the same thing.

Fourth. The pressures I listed are pressures I feel, not necessarily all the things I'm trying to do. Like scrapbooking. I gave up on that a long time ago (which is why I blog). But I have to admit, that I still can't help thinking that I might regret not scrapbooking. And these pressures are not necessarily brought on by other people, mostly just myself. I don't feel the pressure to can because everyone else seems to, it's because I love having all of our garden produce stored and I can't stand the thought of waste.

So there you have it. Thanks again for all the advice and empathetic words- they brought me to tears. Good tears.

In need of some serious lighter fluid and a match

I am burned-out big time.

Usually I try to keep this blog pretty light and airy with the occasional, "I'm going crazy" posts. Well, here's another one. And let me tell you, it's a downer. Before you read on, I better insert the good ol' disclaimer. If you don't have kids and are looking for a good dose of birth control, read on! If you have 2 kids and are either pregnant or considering a third, just go ahead and skip this post. If you have more than 3 kids, go ahead and laugh it up as you are reminded about how easy 3 kids was and how much harder it gets.

Being a mother of 3 kids is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And I've done some hard things. Okay, not really. But dang, it's hard. At first I was thinking it was pretty easy. Well, not easy, just easier than I thought. And then all-of-a-sudden Ty is 5 months and I am drowning. I can't keep up. I have no patience. I'm losing it on a regular basis. Panic attacks are frequent. EVERY SINGLE DAY is a struggle.

I am not loving motherhood right now. Is that okay? Because it doesn't feel okay. Somewhere along the way I've been led to believe that I should love being a mother. Not all the time, but in general. Well, generally, I'm not loving it. I recently ran into someone from the the neighborhood I grew up in, during a rare moment without my kids. We were doing the usual small-talk exchange in which I was telling her what I was up to which included little more than being a mother. Because that's how it is when you're a mother, right? Right? Anyway, she asked me if I was loving being a stay-at-home mom and without hesitation I said, "Sometimes." I've always been too honest for my own good. Her surprised response quickly reminded me of that and I found myself back-pedaling until I awkwardly attempted a really fake smile and lied right through my teeth, saying, "Um, ya. I LOVE being a stay-at-home mom!" I guess "sometimes" is not the normal response, huh? But seriously, I could not say, "Oh yah, it's dreamy! Lovin' every minute! I just can't wait to go home to constant bickering, constant whining, a screaming baby, a screaming 5 year-old, kids that won't mind until I yell it for the neighbors to hear, nursing a baby FOREVER while 2 naughty kids get into trouble, cleaning multiple blow-outs per day, cleaning one room (one-handed) while the other one gets torn apart, never-ending laundry, simultaneous tantrums, sticky floors, toys lining both sets of stairs, a funky smell in the house, lost shoes, spilled milk..." need I go on?

The worst part? Guilt. Stinkin' guilt. I feel SO guilty that I'm not "enjoying the moments," or that I'm seriously considering putting the kids in daycare so I can take a job when I don't have to, or wishing this time would end, or that I know darn well that it could be so much harder and I'm not recognizing how blessed I am, or that I know I'm going to look back on this time and regret not letting things go so I could enjoy what I had. The guilt!

How about all the pressures young moms have to "keep it all together." Let's name just a few. Some are absolutely necessary, some are not. Still pressures, nonetheless.


gardening
canning
recycling
food storage
coupon shopping
budgeting
socializing
cleaning
putting your kids in extra activities
visiting teaching
other church callings
other spiritual things
wiping noses (code for, 'not letting my kids be seen in public the way they exist at home')
grooming yourself for fear Stacy and Clinton are secretly filming you (if only I was so lucky)
volunteering at school
service
yard work
blogging
scrapbooking
exercising

Something's gotta give. It's humanly impossible to keep all of this up. What's the first to go? For me, it's my grooming. (I sound like a dog. Well, I feel like a cow, so close enough). If I've got a lot going on or if I'm running late, you can bet that I won't shave my legs (If I'm lucky enough to get a shower), let my hair air dry, skip the makeup, and throw on a stained T-shirt. I'm sick of looking like crap.

And I wanna cry when I think that I'm only 5 1/2 measly years into this. I gotta long way to go.

Now that I've brought you down when you thought you were having a good day, I need some good news.

Do I accept that fact that motherhood is not my favorite thing in the world right now or do I fake it 'til I make it? And anyone who knows me knows that faking it is not something I do well.

P.S. Absolutely no comments that reflect anything close to the thought (or reality) that it only gets harder. Don't need to hear that right now.

P.S.S. After reading this several times to spell check, wow. This is really depressing. I'm way more depressed now than when I sat down to write it. Let's just hope this is a short-lived phase.